the optimistic realist

Pondering...

A couple of friends are visiting this weekend. They originally had plans to go to Vegas for the long weekend, but since there was a family event for one of them, they ended up here instead. Which is almost comical. But they seem to be enjoying it so far, so I won't rain on their parade.

Anyway, we met up last night for dinner, which was a great time. As we were getting ready to part ways, they asked what I was doing today. Unfortunately, I already had plans to volunteer at the kitchen. I would've loved to run around town with them, but that's okay. I think they'll have a good time exploring the city without me. Since I very rarely have opportunity to volunteer more than 2 hours at a time due to kitchen hours, and I don't work today, I thought going during the day today would work out better for the rest of my work week since I'm taking Friday off to see Anthony Bourdain in Milwaukee.

I'm also kinda looking forward to having a longer shift today. I had initially thought that I would be working with Dan, who is an amazing pastry chef. I had finally met Dan at the holiday party, and I've eaten some of the things he's baked, which is always incredible and delicious. It turns out Dan switched his shift with the guy I've been crushing on. My work husband tells me it's fate, that we're once again thrown together. This guy had asked me out before, but the timing was wrong, as he asked me out for when I would be in Korea. And because I was a total dork, I didn't give him my number or anything to follow up on and then I just act aloof whenever I've seen him after that because I got shy around him.

So now, I'm hoping that he'll ask me out again, in which case I won't be a dork about it and just say yes. When I parted ways with my friends last night, I said "If I'm lucky, I'll get a date out of today." And one of them says "If you get lucky, you might get a relationship out of it." In my head, I heard the record scratch and wanted to yell "WTF is that supposed to mean?!"

This has been the ongoing theme with my friends this month. I admit that I haven't really been emotionally ready for a serious relationship, one that I could be invested in. I know I have trust issues, and I self-sabotage. I considered going to therapy for this because although I recognize this pattern, I'm unable to stop myself until it's too late. I think to myself if the guy was worth it, my walls would come down. You can't win if you don't play. But I also feel that life is short and if I can't see long-lasting potential, why waste my time? I'm not going to settle just to be in a relationship. I want to be madly in love with the guy I end up with and he feels the same way about me. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

So far...

I have to say, after my last entry, things seem better. I ended up having a great week. 

Last Wednesday, I was invited to attend the holiday party with the kitchen staff at the hospice I volunteer at. The party was right after my volunteer shift, and I hadn't planned on attending because I'm technically not staff. But since I was there already, Anne and Mary insisted that I stay. I was kind of unenthusiastic about going only because I knew that I would end up being crippled by my shyness. I finally realized I'm socially dysfunctional. I get very shy around people I don't know. And I knew a handful of the chefs attending the party, but not enough to be comfortable.

So, I faked it. Sure, okay, I'll go. I had made 2 cakes that afternoon, one for the cafe and one for the patients. The cakes had done funny things in the oven, and it wasn't very pretty. I knew that it would taste good though and thank goodness for frosting. As I was making the frosting, Mary tells me that Anne decides to serve one of my cakes for dessert. At the party. At the party full of chefs. At first I think, "No problem" but then Mary said "I'd be nervous if it were me in your shoes." Then I started freaking out.

Finished the frosting, put away my apron and chef jacket, and very reluctantly joined the party. They were playing a foodie trivia game, which really wasn't a challenge for any of them. Then I was introduced the whole room, and I literally just wanted to die. But I faked through it so it wasn't so painfully obvious how uncomfortable I was. A bit later, Anne asked me if I'm shy, because she didn't think I was. But when it became painfully obvious I am, she yelled out to the room "Jessamine's shy so make sure you talk to her." Yes, if I could melt into a puddle and fall through the fall, that would've been a great time to do just that.

Oh, and the added pressure to the evening? The chef I kind of have a crush on was there, of course, and it was his birthday. And they presented the cake I made as his birthday cake. I was surprised to find out that he was much younger than I thought he was. 

In the end, the evening went better than I thought. The women asked me to join their soccer league, which I caved and said yes. Since I'm not doing yoga anymore, I need to pick up another activity. I need to email the coach and ask him about the practice schedule. And I got really positive feedback about the cake I made, as well as hearing what things I've made have been their favorite. Seriously, I would quit my job to be a pastry chef right now if I wouldn't be taking such a huge pay cut to do it.

I also had a great time at our department holiday party. We had a white elephant exchange and played laser tag. Ended up with a $10 gift card to Starbucks and some Christmas candy. Not bad, it definitely could've been worse. I contributed a long-sleeved t-shirt with Keith Haring-like art of men and hearts on it. The hearts were printed with hypercolor ink. I also added a 6-pack of blue 7 oz. glasses from Ikea. I have a LOT of those leftover from Jon & Lyn's wedding shower. 

So...the most curious thing that I'm going through now is I have a friend who's unhappily married. Who...seems to be in love with me. The awkward part? I would definitely be into him if he weren't married. I know I would never do anything and I'd like to think that he wouldn't either. He had asked me in the past if I would have an affair with him if his wife permitted it. I told him no, I have no interest in being the other woman even if the wife knew. I'm sure he can tell that I'm interested. I wonder if he's feeding my interest to boost his ego. I have no idea. It's just starting to become painful to be around him. I should just stop hanging around him socially. We work together, so I can't really avoid him there.

Happy New Year?

I'm kinda going through an emotional slump right now. I had been seeing someone long distance and on New Year's Day, he told me that he can't do long distance anymore. Which I totally understand. Long distance is hard and especially, the emotional place that we're at. It's hard to develop a serious relationship when you only see each other once a month, if that. I think the fact that we talked to each other almost every day masked the fact that at the end of the day, we're still missing out on each other's lives and what could be out there that's closer to us geographically. 

The distance didn't bother me so much, as my last serious relationship was also long distance. But I knew it was the beginning of the end when he decided to buy a place at his end of the world. Up to that point, he had been trying to move back to the Midwest, but had been unable to find a job.

And, surprisingly, I cried a little bit when he told me he couldn't do long distance anymore. I didn't think I was that emotionally attached, but I know I had a lot of fun with him and he made me feel special and pretty.

So, coincidentally in the same time frame, I saw this guy over the holidays who I've only met once before. And for whatever reason, the first time I met him, I had this maddening crush on him. He seemed interested, but once again, we don't live in the same area and would've been long distance. He's not attached to the area he lives in, as I am not attached to the area I live in. I would've gone for it, considering he only lives 5 hours away by car. Nothing really happened with him though, as he was kind of in a "just having fun" mode.

Recently though, he had asked friends if they could set him up with someone. I found out my good friend had set him up with one of her casual friends. So, he's dating her now. And I was a little heart-broken. WTF, why didn't she set him up with me? The friend that she set him up with lives 3 hours away, so it's not like this girl is that much closer than I am.

And spending time with him over the holidays just made me realize how good of a match he would've been for me. We like the same music (yes, I'm picky about this), he makes me laugh, and he's an engineer (he uses physics to explain any problem, which I love). And he loves my cooking. Now, he's going out with some skank who ended up drinking so much that she passed out and threw up all over the place. Classy. 

I don't know why I'm taking this especially hard. I think it's because the girl he's seeing is...kind of lame. And I'm so offended that my friend didn't think of me to set him up with!

I'm convinced I am unable to date anyone local. I've lived here for over three years and every guy I've been with has not been local. I'm just not the type of girl the local men want, which seems to be athletically-built women who love the outdoors. That's so not me. I'm sick of people telling me how I'm going to make someone happy some day, how I'm such a great catch. If that's the case, why have I been struggling so much to find someone to date? 

I'm fine with being alone, I really am. It just seems like the last few parties I've been to have ended up being couple parties, where everyone there has their spouse or their significant other there. And I'm literally the odd one out because I didn't bring a date and didn't know that I needed to.

The sad thing is that the only men who seem to be interested in me are the crazy ones. As in the ones who creep me out, who stalk me or borderline stalk me. I don't think it's too much to ask for a normal man, is it?

A part of me is coming to terms with my age. And whether I want to have children. The last couple of men who I thought I could be with for a long time have had vasectomies and knew that they didn't want anymore children, period. Which I get. But since I hadn't made up my mind about kids, I also know that being with them would mean that I would never have my own children. That I would have their children as my consolation prize. And I don't know if that would be enough.

Okay, I'm done with this pity party. Time to move on.